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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28284099">Blurred Lines</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinryWeiss/pseuds/WinryWeiss'>WinryWeiss</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phineas and Ferb</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(taciturnity is a hardboiled thing), Alternate Headcanons, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Human, Canon Timeline, Canon-Typical Abuse of Laws of Science, Canon-Typical Violence, Developing Relationship, Dubious Science, Episode: Happy New Year!, Episode: I Scream You Scream, Episode: Meapless in Seattle, Episode: Oh There You Are Perry, Episode: Perry Lays an Egg, Episode: Put that Putter Away, First Meetings, Friendly banter, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), Injury, M/M, MM is a terrible boss, Mild Injury, Minor canon divergences, Mission Fic, Nemeses to Frienemies to Love Interests, O.W.C.A. Personnel’s Shenanigans, Perry can talk – he just usually doesn’t bother to do so, Perry talks, Perry’s a little shit, Pre-Canon, Rated M for Language and Themes of Violence, Slow Burn, Trans!Perry, a lot of this fic was not supposed to happen but here it is anyway, f2m, human!Perry AU, pop culture jokes, scrambled timeline, supportive family, supportive friends, the O.W.C.A.’s betting pool</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:09:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,396</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28284099</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinryWeiss/pseuds/WinryWeiss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The line was set – a status quo to maintain. They were supposed to be nemeses, just nemeses and nothing more. But the relationship between them changes over time, changes like the weather, like a mountain massif exposed to erosion – the sharp edges gradually softening, the rigid boundaries that were originally set in stone blur and swirl together into a vivid palette of interactions and understanding.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ferb Fletcher &amp; Phineas Flynn &amp; Perry the Platypus, Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus, Lawrence Fletcher &amp; Perry the Platypus, Perry the Platypus &amp; Peter the Panda (Phineas and Ferb)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>100</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Perryshmirtz Secret Santa 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Blurred Lines</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/CongressIsAliens/gifts">CongressIsAliens</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>My dear giftee,</p><p>You generously allowed what essentially qualifies as free reign in Your Secret Santa request, only matter-of-factly noting You’d appreciate trans!Perry. So, after days of scheming how to tackle such an assignment without it seeming too forced or too diminutive to the overall plot, my muse decided to kidnap several ideas from my alternate headcanons and <em>run wild</em>. Although the F2M is hardly ever discussed in elaborate detail in the fic, the SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery) is alluded to on several instances, and I sincerely hope my delivery of this characterisation won’t disappoint.</p><p>For a smoother flow of the story, the order of a few episodes had to be creatively shuffled around and the events of the series now stretch over several summers, though again, it’s not mentioned in great details in the fic.</p><p>With many thanks to my wonderful beta-reader OuriCollectsFanfiction. I'm indebted.</p><p>TL;DR:<br/>The following fic contains several instances of verbatim dialogue transcripted directly from the episodes tagged and an abundance of alternate headcanons and fan-theories, including, though not limited to: human AU, talking Perry, trans Perry, possibly prosopagnosic Doof and no Pandashrine compliance.</p><p>Anyway, enjoy reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“A pharmacist?” Perry raised his eyebrow at the photo. It was not a typical O.W.C.A.-approved file photography of a potentially dangerous individual. The man on it had piercing blue eyes accentuated by dark circles underneath, a mop of undercut, unruly brown hair and a forced smile on a background of a tropical sunset. It seemed more like a dating site profile picture.</p><p>“No, not actually,” admitted Major Monogram. “Though we are not sure, yet. He acquired a doctorate in mechanical engineering recently.”</p><p>Perry resisted the urge to roll his eyes. A mad scientist? <em>Just great</em>.</p><p>“Or, better to say, he purchased it,” explained his superior. “We need you to ascertain the situation. We are unsure how to categorise doctor Doofenshmirtz here. His actions are…” Monogram paused and tapped his fingers against his desk, “rather confusing, to be honest.”</p><p>“Hmm.” Perry put the photo back in the file. He wanted to ask for more details but knocking on the office door forestalled him.</p><p>Monty walked in without waiting for an invitation. “Hey, dad, if you are driving me to the airport, we should leave now, or… oh, sorry, my bad, I, uh… <em>Perry? </em>”</p><p>Perry waved at the teenager with a sheepish grin.</p><p>“<em>Looking good</em>,” grinned Monty. “What a handsome fellow you turned out to be.”</p><p>The Major coughed, drawing the attention back to himself. “Well, the meeting is already over. It should be a simple task, agent P. I know you haven’t been cleared to go back to the field just yet, given that you are still recovering, but I’m certain you can manage. Oh, and congratulations on the appendix removal.”</p><p>“<em>Dad! </em>” bristled Monty. “<em>Wrong</em> operation! That was so insensitive, I’m so sorry,” he hastily apologised to Perry.</p><p>Agent Platypus rolled his eyes but chuckled nevertheless. With a salute to Major Monogram and a friendly wave to Monty he dismissed himself to study the files.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Perry dived behind the post box.</p><p>Not a single one of his former opponents noticed his presence so quickly. It was slightly uncanny if he had to be honest.</p><p>Perry surely couldn’t have gotten that bad during his convalescence.</p><p>The object of his surveillance stood on the street, looking around in confusion. He shrugged and walked through a glassed-in foyer door into a purple building. That skyscraper defied laws of both architecture and physics, a sign proudly stating DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL INC. beneath the barrel vault roof. The profile of the building reminded Perry of his nephew.</p><p>Perry used a grappling hook to haul himself onto a balcony as big as his backyard. The sliding doors were left open and the agent exploited the opportunity and slipped in. He found himself in a laboratory of some sort, not unlike his nephew’s workroom. He managed to plant a few cameras before suddenly being swept up in a net and left hanging in the air.</p><p>He overlooked a trap, what a rookie mistake!</p><p>When Doofenshmirtz returned, it was to a sharply dressed man with teal hair and a fedora caught in his laboratory. “<em>Hello? </em>” he asked, surprised.</p><p>Perry sheepishly waved in greeting.</p><p>“I was not expecting a pizza delivery.”</p><p>Perry rolled his eyes and offered him his business card.</p><p>Doofenshmirtz took out reading glasses from the breast pocket of his lab coat to read the card. “Perry the Platypus,” he flipped to the other side, “OWCA. Oooh, are you – are you my assigned <em>nemesis </em>?”</p><p>Perry nodded, furtively seesawing his way out of the net.</p><p>“I’ve made it! <em>I’ve made it! </em> My evil ways finally caught the attention of the secret service! Though I have to admit, I’ve <em>never</em> heard of the OWCA. What does the acronym even stand for?” He spoke with a strange accent, emphasizing weird syllables, his voice disagreeably high.</p><p>The net snapped open and Perry landed on his feet, assuming a fighting stance.</p><p>“You’re earlier than expected, but luckily I have a scheme ready!” Doofenshmirtz folded his arm in thought. “I still wanted to run some tests today. Oh well, hopefully it won’t explode too soon.”</p><p>Perry’s eyebrows shot up in genuine surprise.</p><p>“All right then, let’s start!” Doofenshmirtz clapped. The lights in the laboratory went off. Neon spotlights started blinking. Upbeat music started playing. A group of backup dancers waltzed in.</p><p>Perry <em>gaped</em>.</p><p>Well, the song was catchy.</p><p>Doofenshmirtz’ singing voice… not so nice.</p><p>Perry looked directly at the fourth wall, to the camera, hoping his expression conveyed the <em>Is this shit even real</em> feeling in all its complexity.</p><p>He clapped politely when the song ended, Doofenshmirtz grinning. “Like that, huh? I wrote it myself.”</p><p>“Huh,” uttered the confused agent.</p><p>They waited till the dancers left. Then Perry made a beeline towards the weird contraption in the corner.</p><p>Doofenshmirtz threw a cane at the start button. The device sizzled. And promptly shut off.</p><p>Perry skidded to a stop and looked at his nemesis, shrugging confusedly.</p><p>“No, no it was not supposed to do <em>that</em>.” Doofenshmirtz scratched his chin. “I should have run the tests. Oh, well, curse you, Perry the Platypus! And see you tomorrow. How <em>exciting</em>, this summer is going to be <em>great</em>.”</p><p>So, Perry left on his hang-glider, baffled like never before.</p><p>Heinz Doofenshmirtz was in serious need of further observation.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>¤¤¤   ¤¤¤   ¤¤¤</p>
</div><p> </p><p>It quickly became a routine – Major Monogram with Carl the new intern summoning him during the least appropriate time of the day, Perry arriving at the D.E.I. building to be caught in a dubious, yet highly creative trap, the expository monologue more often than not accompanied by a song, and a scuffle afterwards.</p><p>All in all, not a bad way to spend the summer.</p><p>The whole of O.W.C.A. attempted to categorise Doofenshmirtz, but to no avail. Perry at least could relate to the desperate endeavour of trying to conform to the norms. He was also, as much as he hated to admit it, intrigued by the man and his blatant disregard for the laws of science and common sense. The doctor was mad, without a doubt. And yet… there was no denying he had an extraordinary mind.</p><p>In the end, Heinz Doofenshmirtz was labelled a potential threat, too dangerous to be left alone to his whims.</p><p>And thus, agent Platypus got assigned to him permanently.</p><p>The best thing about that was that Perry didn’t need to bother with disguises anymore. Doofenshmirtz was unable to recognise him without the standard agent fedora – a remarkable feat given Perry’s complexion. He had a tan skin tone, unlike his two older brothers, the inheritance of a seafaring ancestor and his Maori spouse which emerges randomly once in every few generations in the Fletcher family. His hair was naturally teal, due to the gene lovingly nicknamed “Fletcher Green” by his father. And if Perry’s brief emo phase during his teens taught him anything, it was that to colour one’s eyebrows for a disguise was way too much of a hassle.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Perry dodged at the last moment.</p><p>Doofenshmirtz’ hand missed his head by a few inches, slamming full force into the wall behind him. The fist actually went <em>through</em>.</p><p>Agent Platypus exploited the opportunity, sprinting to the device of the day to push the self-destruct button. Doofenshmirtz recently took to call his inventions “Inators”. But they were still incredibly easy to destroy. Perry looked at the charred remains of the device, allowing himself a small smile. Only when he couldn’t hear the by now traditional “Curse you, Perry the Platypus!” did he turn back to his nemesis.</p><p>The evil scientist had one leg propped against the wall in an attempt to pull his hand out. “Oh, <em>come on! </em>” he groaned.</p><p>Perry could see the gleam of the metal through the slash on Doofenshmirtz’ arm, the debris from the wall sharper than he realised. O.W.C.A. must have made a mistake in the initial observations – according to the files they had, it should have been the left arm that was artificial.</p><p>He made a sound, concerned for his nemesis wellbeing.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, curse you, Perry the Platypus, and all that.” Heinz sighed and thudded his head against the trap on the wall. “Would you mind handing me a screwdriver? <em>Please? </em>”</p><p>Perry shrugged. No harm in that, the evil was already thwarted today. He rummaged through the mess on the worktable and then handed his nemesis the tool.</p><p>The evil scientist twirled it in his fingers and Perry once again marvelled at how dexterous his nemesis was. Doofenshmirtz took a deep breath and, before the agent could react in any way, stabbed the screwdriver into his upper arm, twisting it until an unpleasantly loud click could be heard. The whole arm popped out at the shoulder.</p><p>Doofenshmirtz rubbed the joint. “Ugh, I <em>hate</em> when this happens.”</p><p>Perry grimaced in sympathy.</p><p>“Let’s call it a day, you’ve already destroyed my Inator. And I need a break before I try to fix my arm. Or get it out, for that matter…”</p><p>Not knowing how to help, Perry tipped his hat and left.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>¤¤¤   ¤¤¤   ¤¤¤</p>
</div><p> </p><p>“I’m so sorry for my ex.” Charlene helped Perry out of the cage. “He’s sometimes a little… eccentric.”

</p><p>Now, that was an understatement.</p><p>“<em>Mom! </em> What are you doing! That’s dad’s nemesis!”</p><p>Perry chuckled nervously and rubbed his nape, looking like a harmless passer-by.</p><p>“Oh, <em>please</em>. It’s really sweet that you are playing along with your dad, but don’t involve innocent bystanders in it. That might end in one hell of a prosecution. As for you, Heinz, I thought you were lactose intolerant.”</p><p>“<em>I am! </em>” complained Doofenshmirtz from the depths of the giant sundae.</p><p>“Well, perhaps that will cool you off a little. Vanessa, honey, are you going? We can stop at Mr Slushy’s if you like.”</p><p>“Ugh, fine,” the teen rolled her eyes. “Bye, dad. Next time, Perry.”</p><p>“Oh, you do know each other?” Charlene opened the door for her daughter.</p><p>Before Perry could answer with his cover story, Vanessa interrupted him: “I told you, he’s a secret agent that fights dad on a daily basis!”</p><p>“And is he single?”</p><p>“<em>MOM! </em>”</p><p>The door clicked behind them and cut off the rest of the conversation.</p><p>Perry breathed out a sigh of relief. Not that he didn’t appreciate Doofenshmirtz’ ex-wife unexpected intervention, but Charlene’s obvious interest in his person didn’t sit right with him.</p><p>The agent rubbed his chin, examining the mountain of ice-cream. Only a pair of bright blue eyes were visible from his nemesis, glaring at him. Perry dipped his finger in to taste the ice-cream with a smirk, humming in appreciation. Mint with chocolate chips, his favourite.</p><p>“Hey,” complained Doofenshmirtz. “I thought that the <em>good</em> guys aren’t supposed to rub salt in your wounds. Or, you know, dump dairy products all over you.”</p><p>Perry chuckled.</p><p>“Curse you, Perry the Platypus,” threatened the sundae.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>¤¤¤   ¤¤¤   ¤¤¤</p>
</div><p> </p><p>Perry grabbed Doof by the wrist and tugged, applying all his body weight in combination with his movement speed. He swung his other arm from bellow at his nemesis’ elbow. It connected with a satisfying smack. The hand became loose.

</p><p>
  <em>Way too loose. </em>
</p><p>Perry hadn’t asked Doof for his hand, but that’s what he got.</p><p>His left arm, to be specific.</p><p>The rest of the evil scientist fell in a heap by his feet and Perry, suddenly off-balance, tripped over him.</p><p>They ended up in a tangle of limbs on the floor.</p><p>Perry uttered a sound of concern.</p><p>“No, no, no, I’m OK. You just…” Doof chuckled, “<em>disarmed</em> me.”</p><p>“Ugh,” Perry growled, rolling his eyes skywards.</p><p>The artificial arm ended slightly above the elbow. It was heavy, really heavy. No wonder Doof slouched, he had to drag around so much weight, on both hands no less. And given all those backstories Perry heard so far, he was hesitant to ask for details about how the arms were lost. He had a suspicion that he will hear the story sooner or later, especially if his nemesis deemed it traumatic enough.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Artificial arm?”</p><p>Perry hummed.</p><p>“Why would you <em>need</em> one, Uncle Perry?” wondered Phineas.</p><p>“I suppose you are asking about the construction process out of mere curiosity,” concluded Ferb.</p><p>Perry nodded.</p><p>“It’s really complicated,” explained Baljeet.</p><p>“Is that so?”</p><p>“Yes. Yes, it is. I wanted to build one for the science fair, but the portal to Mars proved to be much easier.”</p><p>“Hah,” uttered Perry, prompting the young boy into a lengthy explanation.</p><p>“To make them fully functional, you’d have to connect them to your nervous system. And that requires a lot of medical knowledge.”</p><p>“What system? And why is it nervous?” asked Bufford.</p><p>“Not <em>nervous</em> system,” clarified Phineas. “Systema nervosum, the means by which your body coordinates its actions and sensory information by transmitting signals to and from different parts.”</p><p>“Fireside Girls Crafting Manual strongly advises against building one,” pipped up Isabella. “Unless you have been maimed by Predator.”</p><p>Perry no longer questioned the contents of Fireside Girls manuals. Their survival guide was top-notch, and he personally made sure it was officially added as O.W.C.A. back-up manual.</p><p>“Last I heard some Drusselsteinian scientist holds a patent for it,” announced Ferb.</p><p>“Yeah, a nifty one. It’s open-source, so you can request the blueprints for your own use,” supplemented Phineas.</p><p>“I’ve read about it,” said Baljeet. “Several medical firms are working on improving it, but to no avail.”</p><p>“How come?”</p><p>“Well, apart from the whole <em>connect to the nervous system</em> issue, the construction material proves to be problematic. You need something sturdy enough, but easily tractable at the same time. Platinum is a good conductor, but soft. Same with silver – a jewellery material, way too malleable. Unlike steel, which is basically unmalleable, unless you make an alloy. But when steel breaks, it fractures, and that might damage the nerves. That leaves us with titanium, the best option really. It’s a biocompatible superconductor, but really, and I mean <em>really</em> expensive.”</p><p>Perry whistled in amazement. Leave it to the kids, to explain anything science-related in a way even he can understand.</p><p>“Look look look look look!” Candace dragged her mother into the backyard, expecting the giant bouncy castle to still be present. Instead, they found Uncle Perry sitting on the grass with Phineas, Ferb and their friends. “But but but but but…”</p><p>Linda patted her daughter on the head. “So, what have you lot been up to today?”</p><p>“Well, we put up a bouncy castle, but it got punctured and blew off.”</p><p>Namely, a giant harpoon fell from the sky, piercing through the third courtyard. The sudden decompression created a flow of air powerful enough to raise the whole inflatable structure and fly it away over the horizon. The rope from the harpoon got entangled in the battlements, so the tool of doom followed the castle, leaving behind no evidence of the existence of Ferbtastic Bouncy Stronghold.</p><p>“I didn’t know we had a bouncy castle,” wondered Linda.</p><p>“Not anymore,” explained Ferb.</p><p>She smiled at Perry fondly. “You are spoiling them.”</p><p>Her brother-in-law shrugged, a huge grin on his face. Those kids deserved to be pampered.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>¤¤¤   ¤¤¤   ¤¤¤</p>
</div><p> </p><p>The folder directly above Perry’s head shattered, files fluttered all around him as the deafening gunshot resonated through the small space. Crouching lower, he bellowed: “Pinky!”

</p><p>Across the room, behind the assembly line control console, the young agent cursed. Perry knew just enough Spanish to know how bad Pinky deemed the situation.</p><p>“English! Could you?” complained Sergei, hiding in the nook of the control room door.</p><p>“I never complain about your Russian,” growled Pinky.</p><p>“Well, yes. But I don’t understand Spanish at all, I have no idea what you just said.”</p><p>“Take a guess.”</p><p>“<em>That</em> bad?”</p><p>“Ugh, don’t get me started,” Pinky kicked the console. “It’s worse than frozen Windows.”</p><p>Sergei hissed in sympathy. Then he turned to Perry: “I bet you don’t have so much fun with that doctor of yours, do you?”</p><p>Perry had a drastically different notion of fun. And he was eternally grateful his nemesis disliked firearms as well.</p><p>“Oh, he <em>definitely</em> has better choreography. Ernesto is missing <em>all</em> the fun.” Agent Platypus changed the subject, not even bothering to hide the sarcasm in his voice. “Where’s he anyway? This was supposed to be <em>his</em> mission.”</p><p>Sergei chuckled. “He broke his arm skydiving.”</p><p>Perry looked at him in disbelief. Sergei reloaded and showed him four raised fingers, slowly folding them down into a fist in a countdown. When he reached zero, both he and Perry stood up to answer the enemy’s fire. While Perry’s shooting forced the thugs to take cover, Sergei aimed at the conveyor belt above and fired a few carefully calculated shots, sending a pallet of crates down onto them.</p><p>“Ernesto the Eagle?” Perry asked in the following, uncanny silence.</p><p>“Da,” Sergei answered in Russian.</p><p>“Broke his arm <em>skydiving </em>?”</p><p>“<em>Da</em>,” grinned Sergei.</p><p>“Isn’t he <em>acrophobic </em>?”</p><p>“MM thought that a surprise skydiving session would be good fear-overcoming training,” piped up Pinky.</p><p>“<em>Good grief.</em>”</p><p>“Yes!” The young agent punched the air in his glee. “Got it!” He quickly copied the data onto an O.W.C.A.-issued USB drive and hid it back into his fedora.</p><p>“Right on time, guests incoming,” Sergei announced, pointing at the CCTV monitors.</p><p>Perry growled. “Split?”</p><p>“Reasonable,” agreed agent Snail. “Rendezvous at HQ.”</p><p>“I’m decoy. Cover Pinky.” Perry reloaded, shoving the half-used magazine into the pocket of his waistcoat.</p><p>The O.W.C.A. was permanently on a tight budget so every bullet fired was automatically deducted from his pay, but he sure as hell won’t walk into a shoot-out ill-prepared.</p><p>Sergei and Pinky left the control room while Perry planned the best escape route for himself with the help of CCTV monitors. He lured the group of henchmen into a wild goose chase through the factory, securing enough time for his colleagues to escape unnoticed.</p><p>He was already heading to the roof when another group intercepted him, guns ready.</p><p>Perry was quick on his feet and hurled himself in their midst, correctly assuming they would be hesitant to fire at such a close range. He weaved his way through them, punching and elbowing in a mad dash towards the fire exit.</p><p>Gunshots thundered in the corridor, a bullet whizzed past his head, ricocheted and Perry felt a sharp sting in his side. He didn’t slow down, he burst through the doors to the fire escape, blocking them behind him. He quickly climbed up the stairs. Once at the rooftop, he took a deep breath and hissed in pain. A glance at his side revealed the damage. He pressed on the wound. He staggered towards his hovercraft, leaving a trail of crimson droplets in his wake. He hauled himself into the vehicle, pressed the emergency return button on the dashboard and let the autopilot take over.</p><p>Perry slumped into his seat and took a deep breath. He nudged at the wound, trying to ignore the swirling dark spots dancing across his vision.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The wallpapers were rich purple, the furniture sleek and modern, gleaming chrome and sharp angles. It felt more like Doofenshmirtz’ flat than O.W.C.A.’s infirmary.</p><p>But why would he be in Doof’s bed, dressed only in his boxers and layers upon layers of bandages?</p><p>Perry gingerly sat up, his side straining against the motion. There was an almost pharmacy-like display of painkillers next to a glass of water on the bedside table. He picked one and drained the whole glass along with it.</p><p>“<em>But that’s ridiculous! </em>” came clear through the closed door. His nemesis didn’t exactly have an indoor voice.</p><p>Perry waddled out of the bedroom, holding his injured side. No blood seeping through the bandages, good.</p><p>Doof was arguing with Major Monogram over the screen.</p><p>“Ah, agent P!” his superior noticed him.</p><p>Perry weakly saluted.</p><p>“You’d better not faint again,” complained Doof. “I’m not hauling your unconscious bulk to my bedroom a <em>second</em> time. You’re <em>heavy</em>.”</p><p>Perry shook his shoulders in confusion.</p><p>Monogram cleared his throat, visibly uncomfortable. “Seems there is an error in our programming…”</p><p>Doof snorted.</p><p>“To be specific,” continued Monogram, miffed at the interruption, “an error in our emergency return code. You’ve ended up at your nemesis’ lair.”</p><p>“Listen, Monobrow, first of all, don’t call my home my lair, it’s… well, it’s <em>technically</em> correct, but I don’t like it. Second, an error, my <em>arse</em>. The algorithm it runs on calculates the route to safety according to the most used paths, no wonder it drove my nemesis to my lair. No, wait, you’ve confused me. My <em>home</em>. Which is a <em>huge</em> safety issue, and you need to correct it, like, yesterday was already late! Aren’t I right?” he turned to Perry.</p><p>The agent hummed in agreement.</p><p>“Did you take a painkiller, by the way? I’m not sure if you are allergic to something, so I left a selection at the bedside.”</p><p>Perry hummed in appreciation.</p><p>“Now, be a well-behaved little platypus and go back to bed. I pulled a bullet out of you and if I have to stitch that wound of yours again, I’ll do it without analgesic, understand?”</p><p>Perry hmphed.</p><p>Doof waved him off, turning back to the screen. “Look, Francis, I can fix that code –”</p><p>“We could not possibly allow an enemy into our systems!” recoiled Major Monogram.</p><p>“Then hire an expert, for heavens’ sake!” Heinz ended the video call and returned the watch to Perry. He had to use it to contact Monogram directly. “Seriously, I’m not sure if Francis is a <em>cheapskate</em> or just, you know, <em>dumb</em>?”</p><p>Perry shrugged his shoulders. He was unsure himself.</p><p> </p>
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</div><p> </p><p>Perry wanted to facepalm.

</p><p>Yet, a mere facepalm would not be enough. He contemplated smacking his head on the nearest flat surface.</p><p>But even that might not be enough.</p><p>Doof laughed and turned back to Perry. “I just told him his macaroni and cheese recipe is too cheesy and not macaroni-y enough!”</p><p>Perry rolled his eyes in disgust and simply walked out of the trap. Lately, Doof had been constructing them in such a way they never confined Perry’s hands, so dismantling them became easier. He prepared his jetpack.</p><p>“Wait, wait, Perry the Platypus. Where are you... <em>Where are you going? </em> Wait! <em>Wait! </em> My evil plan isn't evil enough for you to foil? Is that it? <em>Really? </em> I've just insulted the macaroni and cheese recipe of a whale! What part of that is <em>not evil? </em>”</p><p>Perry tipped his hat in goodbye and jumped from the D.E.I. hovercraft.</p><p>“Perry the Platypus, you get back here and thwart me this instant! <em>Perry! </em>” Doof whined.</p><p>The agent almost expected his nemesis to turn the hovercraft around and follow him, demanding to be thwarted.</p><p>But the hovercraft continued hovering above the waters of the Danville Harbour, Doof too stubborn to abandon his scheme.</p><p>Perry supposed he should be heading to the HQ directly to report to Monogram. But he changed direction with a weary sigh and in a short while he landed on D.E.I. balcony. He put the jetpack in the safety of Heinz’ laboratory and went to the kitchen to prepare two cups of tea. It was his favourite blend, free leaves, just as he preferred. He had a suspicion that Heinz kept it in his pantry solely because of Perry, as he himself was more of a coffee person. Sometimes it seemed he functioned solely on caffeine and spite.</p><p>Perry sat down on the couch and propped his legs up on the coffee table. He started the task of sorting his work mail on his phone, biding the time until the scheme inevitably foiled itself.</p><p>The unmistakable yell of his frienemy growing closer and closer was his cue, he got up and walked back to the balcony with both cups in hands to observe Doof falling down on the balcony in a splash of water.</p><p>“Cut out that smug smile, Perry the Platypus,” growled the evil scientist, wringing out his lab coat.</p><p>Perry shook his head, amused by this utterly expected outcome, and pushed the cup of steaming brew into Heinz’ hand.</p><p>“Thanks. And let’s not talk about this, <em>ever</em>, yes?”</p><p>Perry grinned and clinked his cup against Heinz’.</p><p> </p>
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</div><p> </p><p>“Perry the Platypus?! How unexpected, and by unexpected, I mean... unexpected, really.” Heinz exchanged his trademark lab coat for a loud Hawaiian shirt and was mixing some concoctions by the pool of his new house in the suburbs. “Look, as much as I <em>hate</em> to admit it, I’m not really up to anything terribly <em>nasty</em> today. So, you’re welcome to chill out here for the day. It’s nice, huh? What do you think?”

</p><p>Perry looked around the backyard. The pool was indeed nice, the water in it sparkling invitingly in the scorching summer sun.</p><p>“If you need, I’ll even sign something that says I was up to no good.”</p><p>The agent pulled out sunglasses from his fedora and flopped down onto one of the beach chairs.</p><p>His nemesis grinned and returned to mixing, complaining about his neighbour.</p><p>Perry shrugged his waistcoat and shirt off, folding his hands behind his head.</p><p>“Aaand done. Here you go, a virgin mojito. Well, it’s not exactly a mojito, but it’s <em>supposed</em> to taste like that. I hope. And, <em>ooo</em>.” Heinz nearly dropped the glass. “Oh, <em>wow</em>. Those are… those are new?”</p><p>“Hn?” Perry raised his eyebrow.</p><p>Heinz pointed at his torso.</p><p>Ah, yes, the tattoo. Perry had contemplated that for a while. Ever since his surgery if he had to be honest. It was his cultural heritage. Not to mention the ink served as a great cover for the slowly but surely accumulating scars.</p><p>“The last time I’ve seen you shirtless, not that it happens often, but the last time, you didn’t have all that.”</p><p>The elaborate patterns swirled over Perry’s chest, spiralling down across the left side, all the way to his pelvis, conveniently covering the majority of the tissue-grafting scar on his hip. Perry grinned and flexed his muscles. It created an optical illusion of movement.</p><p>“<em>Oh Gott</em>, it looks good. Not that you don’t look <em>good</em> without it, you <em>do</em>, it’s just your muscles are now much more… prominent. Which, I guess, is because you are so infuriatingly <em>muscular</em> already, it’s just…”</p><p>Perry’s shoulders shook in suppressed laughter. He considered the way Heinz’ mouth outran his mind rather charming.</p><p>“<em>What I wanted to say! </em>” Perry could <em>hear</em> the blush in that statement. “It suits you.”</p><p>Perry pulled the sunglasses down a little, just so he could catch Heinz’ eyes, and grinned in appreciation at his nemesis.</p><p>Heinz put the cocktails on a small table and sat on a beach chair across Perry. “So, that pattern, is it Polynesian?”</p><p>Perry thumbed him up.</p><p>“Ha! Thought so,” grinned Heinz. “You platypods come from Australia, after all.”</p><p>Perry hummed in agreement. He preferred the term platypi, but… no one actually knew how to pluralise it correctly.</p><p>“It’s really nice, eh? But, you know, I’m not sure if this suburban life is for me. I’m thinking of just adding a breakfast nook and flipping the property.”</p><p><em>What a pity</em>, Perry thought. He could get used to this.</p><p> </p>
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</div><p> </p><p>“You’ll never get out of that!” laughed Heinz. He petted the purple bolero he ended up in during the scuffle, marvelling at the softness of the fur. “This is really <em>nice</em>, I’m keeping it. But still, why would <em>anyone</em> wear a straitjacket to a New Year’s Eve party? I guess maybe if you were a magician, <em>maybe</em>...”

</p><p>A couple ran by, shouting in excitement: “Only one minute ‘til midnight!”</p><p>Heinz rubbed his hands with glee. “Time to launch my <em>plaaan! </em>” With a manic cackle, he ran to the stage.</p><p>Perry hopped out of the coatroom, liberating himself from the garment that served as an improvised trap. “Why would anyone wear <em>a straitjacket</em> to a New Year’s Eve party?” he asked a bystander.</p><p>“Dunno,” answered the young man. “But you two sure are kinky.”</p><p>Perry didn’t hear the last part as the crowd started the countdown. He charged towards the stage.</p><p>Heinz saw him coming and gasped, but Perry skidded to a stop next to him, short of breath, motioning his nemesis to go ahead.</p><p>Heinz looked at him in confusion but shrugged as the countdown continued.</p><p>“5! 4! 3! 2! 1!”</p><p>Heinz zapped the crowd with the Resolution-Changer-Inator at the same time a disco-ball above the dance floor exploded in a rain of confetti, revealing a HAPPY NEW YEAR banner.</p><p>The crowd cheered. Multiple exclamations of: “Happy New Year!” could be heard all around.</p><p>“HA! Yes!” Heinz grinned at Perry. “Now watch <em>this</em>.” He turned to the crowd: “What is everyone’s New Year’s resolution?”</p><p>They answered as one man: “To follow you, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, our new leader!”</p><p>“Ha-HA-ha-ha-<em>haaa</em>! Mmmm, so, how does it feel to be a loser, Perry the Platypus? I mean, that’s a rhetorical question. ‘Course, if anyone should know how it feels, it should be me, but...” Heinz commanded the crowd: “All right, everyone! Follow me; we’re taking over City Hall!” He ran out of the room, but no one bothered to follow after him. Confused, he returned and observed the merrymaking. “<em>Hello? </em> What are you doing? Obey me! Hey, wha-what about your resolution?”</p><p>A man with a party hat laughed in his face: “Everyone knows that no one ever keeps their New Year’s resolutions.”</p><p>“That doesn't even make any sense! Why would you make resolutions if you're not ever gonna fol...” He turned to Perry. “Did you know about this? <em>You did! </em> You knew about this and you still punched and kicked and pinched me.”</p><p>Perry shrugged his shoulders with a cheeky smile.</p><p>“Ah, I guess you're right. That's... that is what we do. But still, you didn’t have to hit me so <em>hard</em>. I’ll have a <em>bruise</em>!” complained his nemesis.</p><p>Perry rolled his eyes and blew a noisemaker at Heinz.</p><p>Heinz chuckled. “Happy New Year, Perry the Platypus. And thank you.”</p><p>Perry smiled softly and pointed to the dance floor with a questioning tilt of his head.</p><p>Heinz’ smile lit up his face. “Well <em>of course</em> I’d like to. You are talking to the man who once harnessed the power of dance.”</p><p>Perry rolled his eyes again but took his nemesis by the hand and lead him to the dance floor.</p><p>With a little luck, he might be able to arrange an <em>unfortunate accident</em> for the purple furred monstrosity his evil scientist was wearing over his tuxedo.</p><p> </p>
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</div><p> </p><p>“<em>Hellooo, doctor! </em>” Peter propped himself in the doorway.

</p><p>Doof was strapped to a steel table, unable to look at the newcomer.</p><p>“Peter the Panda?” he guessed.</p><p>Perry growled and pushed his colleague further into the room, so he could also enter.</p><p>“And Perry the Platypus?” Heinz’ face lit up, obviously delighted by the appearance of his nemesis.</p><p>Peter smiled, not even bothered by the quick dismissal of his person. “Here you go, prince charming, this is your chance,” he whispered to the other agent, nudging him with a suggestive wink.</p><p>Perry rolled his eyes and smacked his lips in disapproval. He started on unbinding the shackles.</p><p>“You're working together to rescue <em>me</em>? Oh, that's really <em>nice</em> of you.”</p><p>Perry helped Heinz to sit up, eyes roaming all over his body in search of any possible injury.</p><p>“No, no, no, I’m all right. That, you know, that wasn't so <em>bad</em>. In fact, I rather enjoyed large portions of that extraction process. It was kind of like a wellness procedure. Definitely not as bad as my chiropractor.” Heinz’ hands rested in Perry’s, neither inclined to pull away.</p><p>Peter held his breath. He had bet his money that the heat of a moment, mid-thwarting passionate kiss would be the way those two resolved the blatant sexual tension between them. But he wouldn’t mind losing at all if it meant he’ll get to witness them finally getting together.</p><p>The robot-guards returned. Peter cursed their inappropriate timing. “Hate to spoil the moment!” he yelled, pointing at Doof’s kidnappers.</p><p>Perry hauled Heinz by his wrists from the table. Peter kicked it, sending it crashing towards the advancing guards.</p><p>Heinz cheered. “This is <em>some</em> rescue.”</p><p>More robots started to stream out of hatches in the walls of the room.</p><p>The agents looked at each other.</p><p>Perry nodded and dragged Heinz into a mad dash towards their ship, Peter bringing up the rear.</p><p> </p>
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</div><p> </p><p>“Good news, agent P! You are reassigned!”

</p><p>Perry could hear a pin drop. “<em>What?! </em>” he managed. This Monday sure did not start well. And it was only 6 a.m.</p><p>“The Regurgitator,” explained Major Monogram. The name was followed by a pregnant pause, even Perry expected the dramatic thunder effect. Monogram coughed, interrupting the awkward silence: “He escaped our heavily guarded penitentiary. You are the only one who can stop him. Besides, you have already dealt with him once.”</p><p><em>Broadly speaking. </em> That was why Perry was well aware that Regurgitator was a chauvinistic military maniac with a superiority complex.</p><p>“Anyway, doctor Doofenshmirtz had to be downgraded to minor threat status. We will use him for training our new agents. Oh, and we have already arranged the transfer and secured you a living.”</p><p>“What am I supposed to tell my family?!”</p><p>“Stick to your cover story. The pick-up to transfer you to Quad-State Area is scheduled at 8 o’clock sharp. Monogram out.” The screen went black.</p><p>Perry put his head in his hands. “<em>Well <strong>fuck</strong> it! </em>” He didn’t want to leave his family. And he sure as hell didn’t want to leave Heinz.</p><p>But he was a professional. And no matter how much he disliked this task, disobeying a direct order was against his principles.</p><p>He put on a brave face and left his secret lair to deliver the bad news.</p><p>The kids didn’t take it well, but that was hardly surprising. He was their favourite uncle, the supervisor of all their grand summer plans.</p><p>Lawrence calmed them down and dragged his brother upstairs to help him pack. And to launch a questionnaire. “Is it definite?”</p><p>“Yes,” Perry sighed unhappily. “Yes, it is.”</p><p>“You are working impossible hours already, but a state-transfer? When are you leaving?”</p><p>“8 o’clock,” sighed Perry and rubbed his nape.</p><p>“That soon?”</p><p>“Emergency.” That explanation hardly conveyed a military maniac on the run who had access codes to nuclear weapons memorised and called every woman <em>sugarplum</em>. Perry would much more prefer to say “imminent threat of the end of the world” as his own carefully constructed safe haven collapsed around him this very morning.</p><p>“But we couldn’t possibly pack all your things by then.”</p><p>Perry stuffed some T-shirts into his suitcase, using more force than necessary. “I’ll return for the rest on Friday. Hopefully, I’ll stay for the whole weekend.”</p><p>Lawrence pulled the T-shirts out and folded them up before returning them. “You know you are always welcome here.”</p><p>Perry did. All the time, every time, when he needed help, when he needed somebody, anybody, to listen to him, his middle brother was the first person he came to. The very first person Perry confessed to when he realised why he felt like an alien in his own body. “I know that.” Perry smiled at Lawrence, a little calmer due to the reassurance. “I <em>know</em>.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“This couldn’t be right.”</p><p>Perry consulted the card with the address again. “No,” he pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, it is.”</p><p>“But this is a <em>trailer park</em>!” exclaimed Ernesto, gesticulating at the caravan site.</p><p>Perry was <em>grateful</em> for the distance between him and his superior. Otherwise, he was afraid he wouldn’t be able, <em>or willing</em>, to stick to his principles of professional behaviour.</p><p>Ernesto helped Perry move his suitcase from the office car to his new home. He looked around the trailer. “Boy, I hope you’re vaccinated. Do you want an MM voodoo doll?”</p><p>Agent Platypus looked at agent Eagle. “You’ve made a voodoo doll of our boss?”</p><p>Ernesto produced a small yarn figurine from his fedora. It looked like a crude miniature of Major Monogram.</p><p>“Hm.” Perry took it and inspected it. “Does it work?”</p><p>“Not much,” admitted Ernesto. “I keep stabbing it, but so far he hasn’t as much as scratched his butt. It’s a great stress relief though.”</p><p>“Huh.” Perry tapped on the doll. “Can I keep it?”</p><p>“Be my guest. Or I can make you a custom one.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The ringing of the phone cut through the silence of the flat in downtown Seattle. Agent Panda sprung into a sitting position, his mind instantly prepared for a fight. He realised what woke him and growled. “Ugh, this better be <em>good</em>.”</p><p>He narrowed his eyes at the caller ID: </p><p>#[ ]°&gt;</p><p>He rolled on his back and accepted the call. “The aliens again?”</p><p>“I <em>wish</em>. Does the Seattle branch have any positions open?”</p><p>The meaning behind that question woke Peter fully. “You want outta Danville?”</p><p>“I want <em>back</em> to Danville!” Perry complained. “They reassigned me to Quad-State. The Regurgitator escaped.”</p><p>“Well, you keep pushing him down, but he keeps coming back up.”</p><p>“That’s not funny, Peter. That’s just disgusting.”</p><p>“You laughed the first time!”</p><p>“That was a pity laugh.”</p><p>“Sure it was, Fletch, keep dreaming.” Peter yawned. “That’s the reason you’re calling at 3 in the frigging morning? A military maniac on the loose? Stuff some antacids into him and hooray back to your mad scientist.”</p><p>“<em>Evil</em> scientist.”</p><p>“There’s a difference?”</p><p>“<em>Apparently</em>,” complained Perry. “I had no chance to search for that gargoyle so far. I’ve spent the last two days setting up my new lair. From <em>scratch</em>! And with appliances left over from the cold war. It’s deep in the sewers, and from the size of those spiderwebs, I’m probably sharing it with Odula.”</p><p>“Have you seen a health bar?”</p><p>“No. But the Boss theme started playing.”</p><p>Peter chuckled. “I thought that was reserved for MM.”</p><p>Perry hummed. “About that, I’ve recently acquired a voodoo doll of him.”</p><p>“First: Does it work? And more importantly, why don’t <em><strong>I</strong></em> have one?”</p><p>“Ask Ernesto. There’s a black market for these things, he'll give you a good deal.”</p><p>Peter laughed out loud.</p><p>“But to answer your question: I’m afraid MM is too insensitive for it to work.”</p><p>“Pity.” Agent Panda dragged himself out of the bed and headed to the kitchen. He grinned. “So, Doofie is on the market again?”</p><p>“<em>I’m warning you, O’Toole. </em>”</p><p>“You wouldn’t hurt a cute little panda, would you?”</p><p>“No one would notice a black eye on a panda,” Perry reminded him darkly. “<em>No one. </em>”</p><p>Peter whistled into the phone. “Scaaary. Seriously though, you two need to get it together. Otherwise, I might nail him myself.”</p><p>“<em>Peter! </em>”</p><p>“Sorry?” Peter laughed.</p><p>“You are not.”</p><p>“No, I’m not. Look, just <em>talk</em> to him.”</p><p>The sigh on the other side of the phone carried the weight of the whole world. “It’s not that easy. You know why.”</p><p>“Duh, come on, they’ve made you fully functional, didn’t they?”</p><p>“Nice try, but I’m not discussing the details of my SRS.”</p><p>“<em>Come on! </em> Phallo or metoidio? I wanna knooow.”</p><p>“And I’m not gonna tell youuu. Not over the phone at 3 frigging AM.”</p><p>Peter shrugged. “Well, I had to seize the opportunity. You aren’t usually so talkative. Seriously, do you have a daily word limit?” He fixed himself a coffee. “Fletch? Still there? Or did the aliens get you?”</p><p>“You’re <em>obsessed</em> with the aliens!”</p><p>“They were <em>cute</em>! And they had an absolute banger of a marching song.”</p><p>“Heinz can do better.”</p><p>“<em>Ohoho! </em> So it’s <em><strong>Heinz</strong></em> now?”</p><p>“Oh, shut up, you nosy panda.” Despite the appalled tone, he could hear the smile in Perry’s voice.</p><p>Peter sipped the coffee, grimaced and put two more sugars in. “Do you want to hear about my new nemesis?”</p><p>“You have a permanent nemesis?”</p><p>“Seems so.”</p><p>“<em>Seems so? </em>”</p><p>“Yes, well, it’s all very mysterious.”</p><p>“Do tell.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You seem familiar. Don’t you have a sister?” The lights flashed like lightning and thunder rumbled, accompanied by dramatic music. Regurgitator clicked some buttons on his watch. “Sorry, this thing doesn't always work right.”</p><p>Perry growled.</p><p>At least, he won’t be called <em>sugarplum</em> anymore.</p><p>But that was the last of his worries.</p><p>This week was an utter mess – the relocation, the dysfunctional lair and now <em>this</em>.</p><p>Did he grow soft? Did he grow too accustomed to Heinz’ easily escapable traps and zany schemes to so gravely underestimate a new opponent? A man widely known as The World's Most Evil Villain.</p><p>Perry was just checking the terrain, investigating a suspicious newspapers advert. He took a bus to a decrepit motel stated in the ad, sorely missing his hovercraft. The vehicle had to undergo annual maintenance.</p><p>After a short talk about the ad, which consisted mostly of affirmative grunting, the receptionist rang a bell and the front desk slid away to reveal a secret elevator. Perry briefly wondered whether he unknowingly ran into Statesmen’s base, but he doubted that O.W.C.A.’s rival agency operated in such a backwater town. Already in the lion’s den, he stepped into the elevator and went down to a pristine control room. On a panel in the middle of the room was a big red button labelled DO NOT PUSH.</p><p>Perry gave it a wide berth, associating such buttons with self-destruction mechanisms, only for the floor suddenly opening beneath his feet. He fell down a vacuum tube, his fedora fluttering in the air before slowly descending behind him. He was spat out unceremoniously on a hard floor of a trap, bumping his backside, cold steel shackles trapped his hands.</p><p>“Wail in your pity, OWCA lapdog. For the world is my nemesis!” Regurgitator struck a pose in accordance with the ominous sound effect. “And therefore shall be annihilated.”</p><p>The delusional grandeur was even worse than Perry remembered.</p><p>He strained against his shackles, glaring at Regurgitator.</p><p>Then Heinz, <em>his Heinz</em>, walked into his field of vision.</p><p>Perry’s jaw dropped.</p><p>This… <em>this was utterly unexpected. </em></p><p>“Perry the Platypus!” Heinz seemed pleased to see him. “You took your sweet time coming here,” he complained.</p><p>“<em><strong>HAH? </strong></em>” Peery managed to croak. It conveyed his confusion well, so he didn’t bother elaborating.</p><p>“Oh, I applied for an internship here. Great benefits, I tell you.”</p><p>Figures. The ad <em>looking for minions, no weirdoes</em> surely caught every evil scientist’s attention.</p><p>“Don’t talk with the prisoner!” reminded the military maniac alongside the dramatic sound effect. “And make a fresh pot of coffee, sugarplum.”</p><p>Perry would have torn his shackles from the wall and beat the living shit out of that Regurgitator bastard if he so much as laid a hand on Heinz, let alone attempt to smack his ass.</p><p>His evil scientist was not some lowly secretary to harass freely.</p><p>Perry growled at Regurgitator, following him with his eyes as he walked to a control console.</p><p>Heinz puttered around. “Aren’t you uncomfortable?” he asked suddenly. He took a throw pillow from his chair and fluffed it behind Perry’s head. “Don’t look at me like that, Perry the Platypus. I know what you’re thinking. I-I’m not some lowly <em>intern</em>. I’m an <em>evil scientist</em>! I’m Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and <em>he</em> should be bowing down to <em>me</em>!” Heinz left, dropping something.</p><p>Perry hid it underneath his foot.</p><p>Heinz walked to the Regurgitator. “Hey you, Mr The Regurgitator! Let’s get things straight!”</p><p>“What?” growled the military maniac, not bothering to raise his eyes from the code he had been inputting.</p><p>Heinz backed away. “See that, Perry the Platypus? Compromise.”</p><p>Perry rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Oh, who am I kidding?” He went back to Regurgitator, mumbling to himself. “You can do it, you can do it, you can do it. Okay, Regurgitator! I’ve done everything for you. I mean, just today, I organized your evil invoices, swept your evil lair, picked up your evil dry cleaning. See those hard-to-reach files up there? Well, I invented these rocket shoes just so you can reach them! And look at this! I even put in the self-destruct button that you forgot!”</p><p>“<em>What?! </em>”</p><p>The countdown already counted down to destruction.</p><p>“<em>Why is it counting down?! </em>”</p><p>“Okay, well, I <em>may</em> have pressed it by mistake. But at least I didn't activate the trap release remote I dropped next to Perry the Platypus.”</p><p>Perry grinned and stepped on the remote. His shackles unlocked. He jumped out of the trap. The lights flashed like lightning and thunder rumbled, accompanied by dramatic music.</p><p>“Look what you’ve done!” Regurgitator advanced on his rebellious intern. “You’ve pushed my buttons for the last time, you disturbed lunatic!”</p><p>Perry kicked the remote up to his hand, weighted it and then throw it onto the main console, switching a lever. The airflow reversed. The pillow was sucked up by the vacuum tube, followed by the shrieking Regurgitator.</p><p>“We did it!” Heinz raised his hands. He quickly grabbed a control panel, holding on so he didn’t get sucked out as well. “<em>We did it! </em>” He grinned at Perry. “Lo hicimos! We did it!”</p><p>The countdown to destruction relentlessly continued.</p><p>Perry jumped into the rocket shoes, grabbing Heinz by his waist. He flew them up the tube, the lair exploding shortly after.</p><p>Perry switched on his jetpack as well. Maintaining low flight level, they got away from the smoking debris of the motel that served as the entrance to the lair.</p><p>With a smirk, Perry let go of Heinz, timing it so that he would land on the pillow. The following exclamation of: “<em>Curse you, Perry the Platypus! </em>” music to Perry’s ears.</p><p>“And thanks for the pillow!” Heinz shouted after the receding agent, a smile on his face. He flopped down on the ground, throwing his hands wide apart. “I should have parked my car outside the explosion radius. Oh well.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The flight back to Danville HQ gave Perry enough time to think. This whole mess ruffled his fur, so to speak. He didn’t like being so far away from his family.</p><p>And then there was Heinz.</p><p>Perry landed on the helicopter pad on the roof. For a while he just observed the panorama of the city in sombre silence. Mind already set, he marched directly into Major Monogram’s office, unintentionally interrupting a mission briefing with agent Snail.</p><p>“Oh, here you are, agent P. Congratulations for the capture of The Regurgitator. As a matter of fact, he landed in our prison shortly after you destroyed his lair. Such a successful completion of a mission enables you to take a few days off.” But before Perry could claim his reward, Monogram continued: “But I’m afraid we cannot afford that. Apparently, we underestimated Doofenshmirtz slightly.”</p><p>“With all due respect, sir,” interrupted Sergei. “Did doctor D really manage to send all the agents assigned to him into the hospital?”</p><p>“Just flesh wounds and a few broken limbs, no permanent damage. Quite unfortunate as it left us short-staffed, which means agent P has to be reassigned back to Doof, immediately.”</p><p>Perry breathed a sigh of relief. His parade rest sagged imperceptibly.</p><p>Sergei looked askance at his colleague.</p><p>“All’s well that ends well,” shrugged Monogram, oblivious as ever. “Carl, have we sent the letter about the change of status already?”</p><p>“Not yet, sir. It’s scheduled to go along with the rest of the evening post.”</p><p>“Good. That gives us enough time to move agent P back. Carl, arrange that.”</p><p>“Of course, sir.”</p><p>“Dismissed.” the Major waved them all off.</p><p>Perry left and Sergei pulled Carl aside.</p><p>“Can I help you, Agent S?”</p><p>Sergei looked around, ensuring they were alone in the corridor. “Raise the stakes. My whole month’s wage that those two will be fucking by the end of the year.”</p><p>Carl pulled a small notepad from his breast pocket and clicked his pen open. “Duly noted.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The kids organised a concert on the rooftop – a farewell gift for their beloved uncle.</p><p>Phineas and Ferb even persuaded Candace to sing along with them on the stage.</p><p>“They came up with the idea themselves,” explained Lawrence proudly.</p><p>Perry sniffed. He would like to have answered that they sure are something, but his throat constricted. It was a true blessing to have such a great family. A family who accepted him as he was, never underestimating the struggle of the suffocating <em>wrongness</em> of the body he was born in, but instead supporting his decisions.</p><p>When the last song ended, he got tackled in a group hug by all the kids, not only Flynn-Fletchers, but the whole gang and the Fireside Girls squad as well.</p><p>“We wanted to do something memorable,” explained Phineas, all teary-eyed as he and Ferb occupied Perry’s arms.</p><p>“It was <em>awesome</em>,” confessed Perry, still emotional. “But you didn’t have to. I’ve managed to deal with the problem in Quad-State and my boss allowed me to stay.”</p><p>The kids cheered so loudly Perry temporarily lost his hearing.</p><p>Lawrence and Linda joined the group hug.</p><p>“Celebratory dinner?” offered Linda.</p><p>“<em>Oh yes please. </em>” Perry had lived on takeaways those last few days, he was dying for a proper home-cooked meal. Or any dessert baked by a certain evil scientist. Which reminded him: “Though I still have… a certain matter to settle.”</p><p>His brother playfully elbowed him in the ribs. “Well, I sincerely hope you’ll bring <em>that matter</em> to dinner soon.”</p><p>Perry smiled gently. “I’ll work on that.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Perry could spot Heinz from far away.</p><p><em>His nemesis</em> - and wasn’t it amazing to call him that again - his nemesis was walking along the interstate, lab coat folded over one arm, the pillow underneath the other. When he noticed the approaching motorbike, he put the lab coat back on, sidestepping to the edge of the road.</p><p>Perry stopped next to him, flipped down the kickstand with his foot and removed the helmet. He took a deep breath of the dry night air, propped the helmet against the handlebars, folding his hands over it and grinned at his nemesis.</p><p>Heinz tilted his head in confusion.</p><p>Perry sighed and put the fedora on.</p><p>“Perry the Platypus?! What are you doing <em>here</em>?”</p><p>He took the second helmet from the saddlebag and threw it at Heinz, pointing over his shoulder.</p><p>Heinz looked from the helmet at Perry. “You… are offering me a ride?”</p><p>Perry nodded.</p><p>Heinz smiled at him, radiant and grateful.</p><p>The agent motioned for the pillow. He stuffed it into the saddlebag while Heinz put the helmet on.</p><p>The evil scientist sat behind Perry and reluctantly hugged him. Perry rolled his eyes and tugged at the hands loosely wrapped around his torso, forcing his nemesis to embrace him more tightly. Heinz started to ramble. Perry raised his hand and closed his fist, a clear signal for Heinz to keep his mouth shut, then he revved the engine.</p><p>He started counting in his mind, pleasantly surprised that his nemesis managed to keep silent all the way to 147.</p><p>They drove through the night, leaving the desert behind. The scenery gradually changed, unknown territories replaced by familiar areas. Heinz’ warmth against his back grounded Perry into reality.</p><p>Perry stopped in front of the D.E.I. building and waited patiently for Heinz to dismount. He too slipped down from the bike, pressed his palms against the small on his back and tilted back until he heard the satisfying crack of his spine.</p><p>“Yeah, I know, I’m stiff as a board as well. How about we take tomorrow off, eh? Oh,” Heinz’ face fell. “Right. I’ll have to call HQ to not send an agent. Not that I mind babysitting the newbies, they are rather sweet actually, really enthusiastic about the whole <em>thwarting evil</em> stuff, it’s just…” Heinz threw his hands apart, for once unsure what to say. “Not as much fun without you.”</p><p>Perry grinned and pointed at himself.</p><p>“Of course I <em>mean</em> it. We were nemeses for so long.”</p><p>Perry’s grin grew even wider. He handed Heinz the letter. He had confiscated it, wanting to deliver the news in person.</p><p>Heinz noticed the O.W.C.A. seal on the envelope. “<em>Another</em> letter? You good guys sure love your papers. What is it <em>this time</em>? Hope it’s not some sort of a rate our services questionnaire. I’d give you only one star, just to spite Monobrow. <em>Dear doctor Doofenshmirtz, we inform you that your threat status had been upgraded. </em> How flattering, but can you guys make up your mind?”</p><p>Perry motioned him to continue reading, a smug smile tugging at his lips.</p><p>“<em>Due to lack of suitable agents, your former nemesis is reassigned back to you. </em>” Heinz ignored the rest of the letter. He looked at agent Platypus in amazement. “So we’re back to being professionally antagonistic?”</p><p>Perry nodded.</p><p>And suddenly found himself in a tight hug that squeezed all the air from his lungs. And likely broke a rib or two.</p><p>“Oh, <em>oh</em>, that’s just <em>fantastic</em>, Perry the Platypus! You know what, let’s take a whole weekend off. I’ll make something grand for Monday, something <em>epically evil</em>. Sounds good?”</p><p>Perry chuckled, shaking his head fondly. But he gave Heinz thumbs up, curious what crazy scheme his nemesis would prepare.</p><p>“Thanks for the ride, really.” Heinz exchanged the helmet for his pillow. “It would take me <em>ages</em> to get back. Well, maybe not ages, but certainly the majority of the weekend, I guess.”</p><p>Perry clicked his tongue at him and with a wink and a wave mounted the bike again. But before he clapped the shield of the helmet shut, he leaned towards Heinz and kissed him on the cheek. Then he made a finger gun at his nemesis and drove away, watching through the wing mirror with amusement how Heinz slammed face-first into the glass doors of the building in his daze.</p><p> </p>
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</div><p> </p><p>Not for the first time, Perry wondered whether somebody ever explained the notion of bondage to Heinz.

</p><p>Once again he found himself caught in an elaborate trap, in a position that left practically nothing to the imagination but offered a lot of fuel for raunchy fantasies. Well, the position was not <em>as</em> suggestive as it could have been, after all, he was hanging upside down, swaying softly in the draft from the balcony, but the ropes wound tightly around his torso and his legs. Not his hands though, they again remained unbound.</p><p>“Ah, Perry the Platypus, exactly as expected,” Heinz appeared in his field of vision with his typical theatrical flair.</p><p>Perry huffed and rolled his eyes. He had to hold on to his fedora as he swayed in the trap, furtively adding momentum to each swing in preparation for an impeccably timed escape.</p><p>“I, uh,” Heinz seemed even more apprehensive than usual, practically bristling with nervous energy. He did some gesturing with his hands.</p><p>Perry blinked.</p><p>Heinz repeated the gestures.</p><p>Perry felt the fedora slip from his fingers. And he couldn’t care less where it landed, as the realisation hit him like a ton of bricks. The reason why Heinz as of late built his traps so Perry’s hands were never bound. The reason why Heinz never actually tried to persuade him to talk, unlike the majority of his friends and colleagues.</p><p>“Is that <em>sign language</em>, doctor D?” he asked with a goofy smile, charmed by the idea his nemesis learned this complex system of communication because Perry’s taciturnity marked him as mute in Heinz’ mind.</p><p>“Wait, wait, <em>wait! </em> You can talk, you <em>aren’t</em>, I <em>thought</em> you are…” Heinz was reddening rapidly. So embarrassed and mischievous and soft-hearted and perfect, oh so <em>perfect</em> that Perry’s heart sung. His very own self-proclaimed evil genius.</p><p>“Heinz,” he breathed out. “Komm her, du Dummkopf.” The German felt scratchy and alien on Perry’s tongue, and he was certain his accent was beyond terrible.</p><p>Heinz looked at him, the blue of his eyes radiant, unable to hide the longing, the faint hope. He made a halting step forward, into the range of Perry’s hands. The agent grabbed him by the lapels of his lab coat and dragged him closer, closer, until they were face to face. He searched his expression for the rebuff, but none came.</p><p>Perry finally allowed himself to kiss his evil scientist. Just a gentle brush of lips, soft and shy, but sweet, sweet like the summer.</p><p>The hook holding the trap broke from the ceiling, sending Perry crashing to the ground. Heinz managed to somewhat cushion the fall out of pure reflex, so his nemesis wouldn’t get a concussion. Not for the first time they ended up in a heap on the floor.</p><p>“How utterly <em>unexpected</em>,” wondered Heinz. “You should have had a harder time getting out of the trap.”</p><p>Perry snorted. Then, with a soft smile, he confessed: “Oh, you’ve trapped me quite successfully, <em>Herr Doctor</em>.”</p>
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